Another week all laid out in front of me only one week until the bliss of school holidays when i will finally get the chance to rejuvenate and get back on track! And so the week begins with the best of intentions: School Run, Soccer training x 2 soccer fanatics, work( taken on more hours getting ready for that electricity bill), shopping, paying the bills, rego due (and note to self think the electricity bill is going to arrive – (get tissues out) ) studying, play dates, cleaning, shopping, cooking, walking the dog, making hubby’s lunch. You ladies know – just the usual. Then add in the fact I remember I haven’t seen/called friends in over a week, my dad and I haven’t had a coffee in weeks, Oh and even though he is 25, I need to call my little brother and remind him it is nearly his rego time.
And then mental merry go round of mummyville begins in my head : You really need to find that camp note you got a week ago because we don’t have half the things we need to pack, did he ever return that overdue book? Naplan is next term, i know it doesn’t really reflect his abilities but i do need to find that testing book i bought and do some quizzes..and while i am at it my preppie should really keep practising those letter land characters….he is behind the rest of the class with that….. Oh crap is todays my preppie’s turn of show and tell?, I really need to write that down. Shit, Shit and Double shit, I forgot to bring those toilet rolls and magazines for daycare, oh crap i also forgot i was going to try and do tuckshop this week… i didn’t make it last week…..oh no, i think it is one of the daycare girls birthdays, i need to get her a card…at woolies this afternoon…and also hubby needs more deodorant, the dog needs a new chew toy….is it my turn to bring something to soccer training….my kids ate up everything in sight last week because i forgot….i should do a fruit platter and some fresh air popped popcorn when i drop the shopping off… shift i won’t have time for that… shapes will do.. you need to really cook all the snacks this week since you keep promising you will stop buying packaged food but each week shopping day rolls around and in goes those pre made snacks that save you precious time in the morning and well, you will find the time next week. Oh yes and then there is the added reminders to keep nourishing myself – find time to blog, read blogs, spend some time mediating, build my business so i can work for myself, finish reading gabrielle bernsteins spirit junkie book, declutter my desk, feng shui my house and a must this week – Shave my nasty legs!!!!!!…and lets be honest…my eyebrows have practically grown a lovely bridge there…pluck those suckers tonight….and a wax for my lady biscuit is well over due…. can’t even remember the last time i saw it…….but $40 for a wax..maybe I could do it myself .. (flashback to being single and poor and a microwaved tub of Nars and a subsequent trip to the doctors thinking i had burnt off half my lady biscuit) and i rethink things… maybe can get it all done at once .. bikini,eyebrows, legs.. shit when am i going to have time for that… crap maybe just go to the gym 3 x this week………..
How when i know better did i get here AGAIN? Overwhelmed running out of time, running on empty, tired, frustrated, unable to get traction and move forward in ANY space in my life and on a balance beam that is tipped so precariously that even though i keep dropping the balls all over the place, i keep throwing a few more up in the air? Although i know how and know how to fix it, it didn’t stop me detouring into shit city on a train that would be lucky to keep on going. And then because the universe must of been thinking – this crazy woman just doesn’t get it, it decided it was time for me to derail completely in shit city to learn the lesson i kept avoiding. And so i was back there I could hear the lesson whispering at me in the background of the mummy merry-go round of chaos – the lesson? : You can do anything – you just can’t do everything. Prioritise what is important and the rest will happen as it needs to. Release Control. Let go. Simplify. I know its the right thing but my mummy merry-go-round says – are you crazy you don’t have time go that – lets just get to school holidays and it will all work out. I know it sounds crazy – as if we have more TIME on the school holidays but i didn’t have the time to stop and face reality i just sped up the train – destination : SHIT CENTRAL.
2 days out from school holidays, my best friend called me to tell me that she is laying up in emergency as a pain she had in her arm that she had told me about the day before, was a possible nasty infection and she was waiting to get antibiotics and find out the deal. I promised her i would come and see her as lets face it, i love the girl and she was in hospital! She knew that thursday was my last kid free day before school holidays and i had organised a few things so i raced around getting all the things done i had piled onto this one day of mummy freedom insisting i could do it all by cramming it into a daycare/school day! When i got up there late in the afternoon (before school pick up and then subsequent soccer training and then racing to get my littlest one from daycare and then heading home to start work at 5 ,(i know what you are thinking – yes seems like a completely balanced afternoon, what could go wrong?) I found her in massive amounts of pain, waiting for doctors to give her some more pain relief. I stroked her head, got her water, stomped around emergency unimpressed my bestie wasn’t higher on their list of priorities and unpacked all her clothes into her dresser to make her feel better (and also as a way to avoid the reality of the situation) and once her hubby arrived, promised she would be fine, gave her a kiss and headed off to the school run.
Soccer training – get messages from bestie upset they are transferring her and she is worried no -one will pack up her stuff properly. I race back up there. More Hair stroking, careful hugs and more wanting to punch insensitive doctors in the face for poking her in her sore spot saying -“Does this hurt?” while she grimaces in pain and cries. Pack up things in the exact order she wants and promise that the ambulance will take ages to arrive anyway so not to worry about being moved before her kids can visit. Tell her i love her and i will see her soon.
Immerse myself in afternoon chaos, oldest son mad i make him leave Soccer training 10 minutes early which is the only way i can even be close to getting home in time for work. Middle child announces may pee pants 2 minutes into journey home. Arrive at daycare, grab littlest one, rush home in time to start work ( i work FT from home -hey how lucky you are i can hear you all thinking! Well yes…and no… but thats a different post altogether!!) Throw dinner on, pies and chips with steamed packet vegies- their favourite but i feel like the shittest mum ever, should i have made this from scratch and omg microwave veggies, why am i even bothering??? (mummy merry-go-round note to self – research nutrient deficiency of microwave veggies oh yes and then grown my own of course to avoid this problem…. oh yes and throw out the microwave too!) Easy peasy. Now back to reality. Break up kids wrestling match by sending oldest for his shower, and putting on something mind numbing on the disney channel for the other two, chuck an organic yoghurt at them for silence (well done i think – it has the word organic on it) and get some work done.
Eventually chaos settles, hubby comes home, kids go to bed and my world and the mummy merry go round starts to slow. I feel like i have some control now, moving closer to how i want to feel. Calm and Happy. Send hubby off to the gym, dishwasher on, smashing through my work like a pro and then message from Bestie’s hubby pings on my phone. Short. Simple. Makes my world stop. : Its not good. she is in ICU. Panic, smiling and answering calls for work, robotic station switched on as my brain implodes with all the noise. I should have made her go to the doctor when she called yesterday….i should have made those bloody doctors look at her more…how did i miss this after all i have learnt in the medical field….i should have known….i should have been with her all day not just gone up in the afternoon…etc etc etc.
Hubby gets home from gym, i collapse into tears. Hubby hugs me, tells me to stay positive and how strong my bestie is and the it will be alright speech. Calms me enough to get through the rest of my shift and fall into a restless sleep. Wake up and find out over the course of the night she has required emergency surgery, they don’t know what is really wrong and she was put to sleep to be able to rest and heal but there are no guarantees, everything hovers in the air. i feel like the the breath is knocked out me. It feels like i am falling into a rabbit hole. Everything stops. Except in mummy world nothing stops. I want to crawl into bed and go to sleep until my world is returned to normal. Instead, i get everyone off to school. I will collapse later.
Get to school, the word is out in mummy land as she is a much loved mum in the school community. More tears and hugs and offers of help from other beautiful mums. Mummyville merry go round stops. Fighter instinct, warrior me, kicks in. The needs to keep moving, keep busy, anything to avoid the feelings, start to drive me so… I get organised – get a meals menu happening for the family, organise drop off times, classroom fridges fill up, my phone pings every few minutes with offers of help and meal delivery notifications. I am distracted. If i stop, i feel too much at once, then i cry and feel like i am falling back down that rabbit hole. So, I . DONT. STOP.
Perceptions shift. Clarity – nothing is more important than family, friends, love, faith and health. Everything else serves as a distraction from the pure basic pleasure of the simple fact. it is all love. thats it. The Beatles knew it, we all KNOW it. Yet we feel like it can’t be that easy, there must be more. The world lets us down, reinforces the negatives we believe, people disapoint us, things don’t go our way and we harden ourselves, for our emotional safety but in that state is is often hard to see the positive, by habit, we have programmed ourselves to expect the worst. Then, we stand to lose some of that love (or we lose someone we love) and we remember with pure clarity : The people we love are what is most important. We see what is important. The universe slaps us hard across the face. We focus more, be more present , more patient more loving, live our lives with intention because we really the value and beauty of life and its preciousness.
We get taught the lesson, the meaning of it all. Be honest – how many of us have this experience, we lose a loved one or someone we know gets sick or passes away or we see a news article about a child or young person/parent or someone who we relate to dying and we feel grateful and blessed with our lives. Decide to live with intent. We FEEL the abundance of being ALIVE. Not rich or smart or having the pefect body/house/car, just being ALIVE. That simple. Well I get it. And i am going to hold onto this clarity and remember to live my life accordingly. I got derailed from my journey to live a more simple, pure and authentic life and started adding attachments and attainments to my life purpose and ended up in shit city with no more money or fuel in tank. Always racing to the next stop, not taking the time to enjoy the journey and the stops along the way.
And my bestie? I am grateful to say she is home and recovering, but it is going to be a new journey we are on now. We both feel expanded by the lesson, we get it, we already had it all, we just didn’t see it. I am grateful for my life and family and friends and my health. For now i am going to honour that in my choices. Besides, my baby is up and i have a date with him, the lounge room rug and a box of duplo. xxxx oh and P.P.S – Hoping to shave those legs tonight xx